Inside Style - Knickergate

Inside Style by Annmarie O'Connor  - as featured in The Dubliner magazine - July 8th

I popped into Anewspace on Chatham Street to visit friend and owner Jonathan Lynn. “Hey 6 foot 1 Annmarie!” he cried; referring to my recent Facebook status update. Having recently gotten measured, I’ve since been dropkicked by the revelation that I am not 5 foot 11 and a half.  It was a total Florida moment,” I bemoaned. “I demand a recount.”  Convinced that I’m not descended from giraffes; and that my mother didn’t feed me fertiliser as a child, Jon proceeded to fill me in on a lesser known sartorial woe – The Irish Dilemma. “Take you for example,” he explained. “You don’t look that tall at first glance which means you’re short-legged.” Ta very much. Let’s hope he never uses this as a pick-up line. 

With that I was quick to draw attention away from my meagre 32” legs; a tactic I would immediately regret. “Let’s play a game,” he says. “Show me your shoes.” I peeled back the edge of my maxi dress to reveal some love-worn military boots (hey, it was my day off). “I bet your wearing comfy underwear,” was the retort. Shocked yet somewhat impressed, I doled out the excuses thick and fast: my fancy pants are in the wash, I’m having a fat day; these ones bring me luck. Just how the hell did he guess? “Footwear is a dead giveaway. If a woman is going to take the time to put on a pencil skirt and heels; the safe knickers get shelved. “Look outside the door,” he urged. “Take a look at each lady’s shoes and make up your own mind.”

I had to admit it; he was right.  I was sporting a less than fetching pair of M&S boy shorts – the kind that wouldn’t get you laid in a Chelsea locker room.  Had I been teetering along in my vertiginous patent stilettos, the presence of a ‘ne’er do well’ thong would’ve been a sure bet. It’s official. The unwritten rule of wearing good underwear in the unlikely event of being struck by a car has been replaced by the more likely instance of a roving male eye.

What if I happened to be suspendered to the nines, only to be let down by my favourite pair of brogues?  Will I be forced to wear heels to avoid such assumptions? Great, now I’m going to be 6 foot 5.